Problems with my Iphone 4

The problem boils down to this simple fact: I need a bodyguard for my phone. I fear for it's safety and well being beyond what any apple care plan will cover. Oh, I know you thought you were going to be reading about reception problems and glue spots under the glass. No. I have reason to believe that Tom is jealous of my new phone and that it might take a turn for the worst.

It started a couple of days ago when he was working from home. I asked him to please be on the lookout for the FedEx guy, there was going to be a delivery and it was very important, it was my new Iphone. So I checked the tracking hourly only to discover that TOM MISSED THE DELIVERY. With cat-like reflexes I texted him, "Did you miss the delivery guy?" "I don't think so. I didn't hear the doorbell," he responded.

No offer to race to the front door and check. He didn't spring from his chair and chase down the truck. He just continued working from home. Doesn't this man know that "working from home" is corporate code for "I'll be at the pool working on my tan?" or in this case "I can't miss this very special delivery, my life is at stake!"

Two hours later he calls me to notify me that the stealthy FedEx man did indeed sneak a delivery tag past his watchful eye, but this story ends well in that I was able to race to the distribution center down the street and have my precious toy in my hot little hands that very night.

That wasn't the only incident. Last night, we lay down to go to sleep and Tom snuggles up next to me whispers good night in my ear. As he wraps his arm around me to doze off happily, his hand goes under the pillow to discover the iphone laying on the bed.

Tom: What is this?

Me: It's my phone?

Long pause.

Tom: What is it doing in the bed?

Me: Recording my sleep patterns. I downloaded sleep cycle to monitor how deep I sleep.

Tom: Why?

Me: Because I want to know.

Tom: You mean because you can.

Me: Fine. Yes.

Tom: What does it do?

Me: It measure how much I toss and turn, noises and stuff.

Tom: Isn't it also going to measure my tossing and turning?

Me: Nah. I put it on my side of the bed and not between us to help keep your data from interfering with mine. Plus I have a couple of days worth of data collected to compare it to. If I notice a drastic difference, I can just re-calibrate it.

I kid you not, I actually heard him roll his eyes in the darkness.

Tom: I can see it now, your going to photoshop me out of the wedding pictures and put in a great big iphone.

Me: Don't be silly. It's just a phone. Which reminds me, it needs a special carrying case so that it matches my dress.

He rolls over to no doubt plot. If anything mysterious happens to my phone, you know who is going to be at the top of the suspect list.