Lotion = Doggie Ketchup

So last night I am doing my bedtime routine: brush the teeth, eye cream, lotion on legs, feet and hands. Callie loves to lick the lotion off of me so to make sure that Callie doesn't ingest any of this, I wear my yoga pants, long sleeve shirt and socks on both my feet and my hands. Yes, I know, I am quiet the vision before going to bed, but Tom is out of town and I all I want to do is to close my eyes for 8-9 hours. I have tucked everyone in, put the dogs on the bed, climbed in and snuggled down under my warm comforter. Callie curls up at the foot of the bed and Maya slinks under the covers and snuggles up next to my stomach. I can't be sure, but I think I remember my head hitting the pillow before I fell asleep. And off to dream world....

I was in the most beautiful meadow. The sunlight was so bright that I could barely stand to look out into the distance, but when I looked down, the field was filled with color. All different kinds of flowers in small patches separated by tall bunches of a feathery kind of grass scattered as far as the eye could see. There was a gentle breeze that kept the immense light from being hot. As wandered over the hill taking in all the different kinds of flowers, I could hear what seemed to be water. The sound of water gently lapping over rocks and I went searching for the source of this noise. I noticed on the side of the hill there was an area where the grass was taller than the rest. I ran towards it and found little pink flowers growing along a small brook. I glanced down and noticed that I was standing on a patch of flowers and that my weigh had caused the ground to puddle up. As I stood there, my feet and ankles started to hurt, to stink, like they were being pricked or bit.......... CALLIE!

My eyes opened and I tried to become aware of my surroundings before I moved. I could her licking. Callie had burrowed under the sheets and her furry body was laying along the length of my calf and she had her paws on either side of my foot. She had somehow managed to work my sock almost completely off and was dragging her soft wet tongue over the top of my foot. Occasionally she would tilt her head to the side and give my foot a slight brush with her teeth. Not exactly gnawing, but similar.

I have no idea how long I had been asleep, but her work had cause the sheets around my feet to become wet. I threw back the covers. Callie's body stiffened at the sudden exposure and her tongue stopped mid stroke and just stayed there like it was glued to my foot. Maya jumped to life and ran to the other side of the bed. Callie didn't budge. Didn't remove her tongue like I wasn't going to notice.

"CALLIE," I yelled and she sat up and looked back at me over her shoulder as if to say, "Oh, you. What do you want?" "What are you doing?" I fumed. Callie turned, laid her ears back and wagged her tail and took a shy step towards me. Furious I got out of bed and went to the pantry. I rummaged around for a few minutes until I found the golden elixir. I took the socks off my hands and sprayed the Bitter Yuck everywhere I had previously applied lotion. I marched straight back to bed, cussed at the dog, turned off the lights and went back to sleep.

Now, I must mention here that I do not wake up well. Things that may appear to make complete sense to me after a cup of coffee completely elude me before said coffee. I never read the warning label to see if Bitter Yuck would have any adverse reaction with my skin. Cause redness or swelling, turn my skin green, etc. At this rate I could have just been adding caviar to the already alluring taste of lotion. But I did manage to sleep undisturbed for the rest of the night. Maybe the Bitter Yuck was just a numbing agent and Callie complete chewed my foot off in the middle of the night.

When I did wake up in the morning, I blindly made my way to the coffee maker. Made my daily blessing to the bringer of life whose aroma helped to guide me through the land mine of dog bones and kids' toys. As I took my first few sips and could feel my blood starting to move, I remembered the events of the night. Why had it not occurred to me to just put the dog in the kennel? Why didn't I just give her a bone?

Did I dare look to see what I had done to myself? Nope. I put the coffee down and picked up the Bitter Yuck to read the warning label. "No staining formula. Non-toxic." Right there on the front of the label. I almost sighed with relief as I rotated the bottle to check the warning label. "Do not spray directly on eyes or nose."

So, I should be in the clear, right? I slowly lifted up my yoga pants to expose my ankles. Nothing. Just a few red lines from Callie's teeth. I had survived.